I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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