dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
