my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The air was thick with penises
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
