My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
