Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize