dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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