I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
