cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
