my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
