DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
