I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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