do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
