He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
