I puked a lego.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
