I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
