Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
