THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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