I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think i got beer on your cat.
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