I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
