last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
