i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
