why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
