I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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