Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
