The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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