i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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