living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You made out with two different species that night
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
