Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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