I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize