I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
