I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
