On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My cat gives me a boner
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
