And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
