Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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