Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize