pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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