I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
