I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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