one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
