I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
