My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i think my mom watched the whole time
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
