ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
