My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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