Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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