are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
