i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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