just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
