I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize