six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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