1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
