i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
ttyl tear gas
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
