I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
