I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
