Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
