I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
