I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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