if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
