I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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