I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
