Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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