Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
