I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
