You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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