My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
