yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
