Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize