i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
